Dr Eileen Kennedy-Moore Welcome, I’m Dr Eileen  Kennedy-Moore, also known as ‘Dr Friendtastic’.   I’m an Author and Clinical Psychologist based  in Princeton, New Jersey, in the United States.   Friendship is, kind of, the answer to everything,  for kids and for all of us. Research tells us   that when kids have even one reciprocal friend,  meaning somebody they like who likes them back,   they feel happier, they cope better with stress,  they feel more engaged in school, they’re less   likely to be bullied, but friendship isn’t always  easy. Pretty much every kid struggles at some   point with making or keeping friends. So, what I  want to talk about today are 12 tips that we, as   parents, can use to help our kids when they meet  those unavoidable friendship rough spots [pause]. We adults tend to want to skip all the feelings  and leap immediately to the solution, but kids   won’t let us. They really need to feel heard.  When children don’t feel heard, they get louder,   so we can’t skip that step. And also, when  a kid is struggling with friendship issues,   having that extra loving and support at  home can really make a big difference. So,   what we want to do is just acknowledge our  kids’ feelings, kind of like, a mirror,   you’re just reflecting whatever it is  that they’re feeling. So, you might say,   “You’re feeling upset because she’s said  that,” or “It hurt your feelings when he   did that,” or “You felt left out when they got  together without you.” Just acknowledging those   feelings is a powerful intervention. It wraps  those messy feelings up in words and when you,   as a parent, do it, it’s like you’re holding  half the weight of their big feelings [pause]. Oh, my goodness, this is a hard one. When we see  our children suffering, our instinct is to leap   in to protect them. When we leap in to solve a  problem that our kids could solve on their own,   we steal their opportunity to develop coping  skills. So, we want to guide from behind, rather   than solving it for them. As tempting as it is,  don’t talk to that other little demon child who’s   being mean to your kid and think twice before  contacting the other pro – the other parents.   We want to let our kids work out these  unavoidable friendship rough spots. Also, kids’ feelings can change very quickly,  so today, your child might come home and say, he   “hates Stuart’s guts,” but tomorrow, he and Stuart  might be best friends. And the situation that has   your child in tears today and has you worrying  all night, the next day when you ask, “How’s it   going?” your kid might very well say, “Oh, it’s  fine.” Kids’ feelings can change very rapidly. Also, if you become visibly upset about your  child’s friendship difficulties, it’s like   you’re adding extra weight to their problems. The  problem now becomes bigger because they have to   deal with the problem and also, your feelings. So,  what you want to do is focus on offering support,   rather than becoming upset about challenging  but normal friendship difficulties [pause]. What fuels the development of children’s  friendships from those love the one you’re   with friendships of the toddler years, to  the more intimate and lasting friendships   of the teen years, is an increasing  ability to understand someone else’s   perspective. This is something that  we, as parents, can help a lot with.   So, after you’ve validated your child’s feelings,  you might want to help them imagine how somebody   else might be thinking or feeling. So, you could  ask, “Why do you think he did that?” or “How do   you think she felt when that happened?” This  helps to get – this helps your child develop   what’s called a ‘theory of mind’, which is the  ability to imagine someone else’s perspective. You can do this specifically with a particular  situation that your child is dealing with. You   can also do it more generally, by talking about  feelings as they come up in day-to-day life,   or as you see them in books or movies. “Why do you  think the character responded the way they did?   How do you think they felt when that happened?”  Don’t do it enough that you wreck the movie,   but this is very important, and research tells  us that when parents talk more about feelings,   kids become better able to imagine  someone else’s perspective [pause]. If a friendship difficulty keeps happening or  it lasts for a long time, then you may want to   get more information. Your child’s Teacher  could be a very good source of trying to   understand what’s going on. Teachers tend to see  a whole group of kids exactly your child’s age,   so they have a good sense of what’s typical for a  particular developmental stage. The Teacher might   also see some of the interactions that are going  on that maybe your child isn’t noticing. The eyes   point outwards, so it’s very easy to see what  someone else is doing wrong, but we don’t always   see our own contribution to the difficulties and  that can be a very powerful way to help your child   change the dance, have the interactions  move in a different direction [pause]. We can help guide our child in how to handle  their problems as opposed to trying to solve it   for them. This guidance usually works best before  the challenging situation arrives, rather than in   the middle of it. Try not to criticise your child  in front of other kids, because that will hurt   their reputation. But if you know that there’s  a situation that is routinely difficult for your   child, then the two of you can talk and brainstorm  and maybe roleplay some ways to handle it. For instance, one situation that’s often  difficult for kids is winning and losing.   So, you might talk beforehand and help your  child recognise that winning and losing lasts   about two seconds and all they need to do is to  say, “Good game.” Practice saying that, maybe   even work on playing some games together. Prep  your child beforehand, “Remember, win or lose,   you’re going to say, “Good game.”” And we can  talk about how “You can’t always win the game,   but we can always win the fun by just  having a good time together [pause].” We all make social mistakes and this is fine, as  long as we stop. When we persist in doing that,   that’s when it tends to irritate people. Now,  sometimes kids have difficulty picking up on   those stop signals, so you might want to make  a list with your child of ways that other kids   might be trying to tell them to stop. It can be  very direct, like “Stop it, quit it, you’re being   annoying.” When your child hears one of those  things, they need to stop. If they keep going,   it's like saying to the other kid, “I don’t  care how you feel, I’m just going to keep doing   what I want to do,” so that pushes people away.  Sometimes stop signals can be non-verbal, so the   person might roll their eyes or make an annoying  noise, like “Oh.” These are also very important. Now, some kids have a hard time stopping and if  that’s your child, what you might want to do is   figure out some things they can do instead.  So, for little ones, it might be sitting on   their hands or pretending their tongue is stuck  to the roof of their mouth. They also might want   to use a phrase like, “Okay, I’ll stop now.” That  gives them an extra two seconds of breaking room,   but it also signals to the other child, “I  heard you, I’m working, I’m stopping [pause].” Kids make friends by doing fun things together,  so think about what your child enjoys doing that   they could do with other kids. And this can  be a good way for them to find the people that   they’re going to relate to. This might mean  joining an after-school activity or a sport,   or it might mean inviting people over.  Now, this is something that a lot of times,   kids resist doing, ‘cause they say, “Oh, I  don’t know them that well, I can’t invite   them over,” but that’s backwards. If the person  seems nice, if they’ve had fun together once,   that’s good enough to invite them over. And what  – by inviting them over, they get to know the   other kid better, rather than waiting until they  get to know the kid and then inviting them over. If your kid is really resistant to having people  over, you could try having a family game night.   This is something that I used to do with my  family all the time when my kids were little.   I would invite another family over, after dinner,  so I didn’t even have to make a meal, and then we   would play a game, involving everybody, and then  I’d bring out fruit and desserts and so, the kids   would go off and I got a playdate too,  to visit with the other parents [pause]. How is your child signalling that they’re  interested in being friends with other kids?   This could be a small thing like greeting  someone. Shy kids often have trouble with   this. They’re focused on their own discomfort, so  they look down and they look away, but the message   that they’re saying is, “I don’t like you, I  don’t want anything to do with you.” That’s   not how they’re feeling, but that’s what they’re  communicating. So, if this sounds like your child,   you might want to practice friendly greetings. There are four steps to a friendly greeting.   You smile to show that you’re happy to  see the person. You look them in the eye,   or if that’s uncomfortable for your child,  they can look the other person in the forehead,   right in between the eyebrows. From a little  bit of a distance, it looks the same as looking   someone in the eye. Then, they say “Hi” or  “Hello” and they say the other person’s name,   to make the greeting personal. Practice  this so it feels comfortable for your child. If your child still doesn’t want to do that,  you may need to back up a step and just have   them count how many greetings they see in school  when they arrive in the day. They may be surprised   how often this happens. This is the expected  behaviour, to greet people. Not greeting people   is the more unusual behaviour. Beyond greetings,  they could show openness to friendship by a small   act of kindness or a sincere compliment. A  compliment is like a little gift and it’s a   way to show a person that you like them, or that  you find something appealing about them [pause]. The single best way to deepen friendships is  to have those one-on-one get togethers. Now,   often, at the start of a playdate, there’s that  awkward moment when one kid says, “What do you   want to do?” and the other kid says, “I don’t  know, what do you want to do?” We can skip that   if you prepare your child ahead of time. So,  when the guest arrives, your child should greet   them and then offer two choices of something  to do. “Do you want to play Legos, or do you   want to play outside?” This will make it easier  for the other kid to choose something and then,   they will get to playing together. Research tells  us that when kids get together, the more time they   play – the more time they spend playing, the  more likely they are to become friends [pause]. One of the things that can get in the way of  children making friends is what I call “The   Magnet Myth of Friendship.” This is the belief  that I have to be so amazing and wonderful that   I draw friends to me the way a magnet attracts  metal. This is a myth, because nobody wants to   be the metal, and if your child is looking for  that “Wow, you’re amazing” reaction, they’re not   looking for friends, they’re looking for fans.  So, that’s an entirely different thing. Instead,   what we want to do is to focus on connecting,  rather than impressing. Draw two overlapping   circles for your child. Talk about “This one  circle is you, the other circle is your friend.” Now, this overlap in the middle, that’s  where friendships begin. So, if you are   talking about something that’s true only of you,  it’s only in your circle and not in the overlap,   that is irrelevant to building friendships. We  want to focus on what you have in common. So,   how do you find that out? Well, you can  ask interested questions like what and how,   to get to know the other kid better, and  you can also do fun things together [pause]. Kids learn more from what we do than what we  say. So, think about the role that friendship   plays in your life. Does your child see you  making time for friends? I know you’re busy,   I know you have a lot going on, but  friendships take time and they take effort,   so let your child see you doing  that, so that they know that   friendship is something that you believe  is important and worth your time [pause]. If your child’s friendship difficulties  are causing a lot of distress and if they   keep happening or go on for a long time,  use your deep knowledge of your child.   You know when they need extra help. A  Psychologist can make a big difference.